


To The End

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Deathfic, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 08:36:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5368751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hospital is cold, too cold, not just because of the industrial size air conditioners, but because of how not one of the nurses will meet his eyes and the way they whispered behind his back. And it was too loud, although he was alone except for the hospital staff, because the silence won't stop ringing in his ears long enough for him to close his eyes and think of anything but how Dan had looked with the dark necklace of bruises blooming across his pale skin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To The End

**Author's Note:**

  * For [axolotlcuddles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/axolotlcuddles/gifts).



> For Arden, who told me to write something sad  
> (happy birthday i hope this makes you cry)

     “Dan?” Phil calls, pushing the door of their apartment closed with his back, as he struggles not to drop the bags of groceries, “Dan? I’m back! I got more of your favori-” he stops his sentence dead in its tracks as he spots the note pinned to the refrigerator, “No no no no not like this.. no no no… Dan! Dan! Dan!” he’s practically screaming by now, but he can’t bring himself to go into the bedroom. This can't be real, he’s in there, sleeping or watching netflix, or something, Dan had been getting better…

_It's surprisingly cold at the station, colder than he would've expected, but he's ok with shivering under his thin jumper, because, over there, far down the platform, he thinks, yes, yes, “Dan! Dan! Over here!” and then he has an armful of the wispy eighteen year old, and he's real, he's here in Phil’s arms, warm, and very much alive._

_“I- Phil” Dan pulls back from the older boy, a stunned look in his eyes, “You're real, we’re here, I’m-” He looks terrified and ecstatic all at once, “I can't believe it, you're here, I-”_

_Phil cuts off his rambling with a kiss, a small kiss, but possibly the most important, although it was no more than a second long, it changed everything, “I've been wanting to do that forever, now come on, I've been waiting in the cold for an hour,” He says, pulling Dan along behind him, towards the borrowed car._

****  


        It takes him three tries to even open his phone, and another four to dial the numbers, all the while attempting to open the door to Dan’s room, which he must have jammed something in front of in an attempt to keep Phil out, “9-9-9, what is your emergency?” asks a monotonous voice…

_That first day is magical, however cheesy and cliché that may seem. They don’t even go anywhere, just stay in Phil’s room, marvelling at the there-ness of the other. And every once and awhile, Phil will catch Dan raising a hand to his lips in still in shock._

_“Phil, why, uh, why did you, you know…” Dan lets his sentance trail off, leaving the unspoken word hang between them, almost tangible._

_“Oh, uh, I just thought that, maybe, I-” and they’re kissing again, and it’s awkward because Dan has to stretch to reach Phil, but he’s not quite in his lap, because that might be going too far, and they can't quite make their lips match,_

_until Phil falls, pulling Dan down on top of himself, leaving Dan staring at Phil through his long fringe, eventually giving in and leaning down to kiss Phil, and suddenly they fit, like puzzle pieces…_

            The hospital is cold, too cold, not just because of the industrial size air conditioners, but because of how not one of the nurses will meet his eyes and the way they whispered behind his back. And it was too loud, although he was alone except for the hospital staff, because the silence won't stop ringing in his ears long enough for him to close his eyes and think of anything but how Dan had looked with the dark necklace of bruises blooming across his pale skin.

_The idea that now not only would they see each other every day but be living in the same flat was simply too good to be true, and Dan has never been happier. Phil hopes that maybe this will change something, maybe Dan will start getting better instead of worse. It’s starting to mess with him, the helpless, the way that everything has started to fall apart._

****  


         “Sir?” a nurse says, gently shaking Phil’s shoulder, “Sir, which patient are you here for?”

         “Uhh, Daniel Howell?” Phil says, pulling himself back together and remembering through the fog of exhaustion why he was in a hospital at three in the morning.

         “Oh, the suicide patient? I don’t have any news for you, and I doubt there’ll be much until the morning. You should come back then.”

         “No, it’s, it’s ok, I have to wait for his mother to get here,” He yawns, trying to conceal his need for sleep.

_Uni was destroying Dan. He was drifting away from Phil, and that terrified Phil. He ended up sitting outside of Dan’s door, just waiting and listening, trying to bring Dan back, an almost impossible task at this point._

        “Sir, you really should go home, or at least get a room across the street,” the same nurse from earlier is back again, smiling sadly down at Phil as he attempts to lead him in the direction of the door, “there's a hotel there, and you really need some sleep.”

        “No, no, I’m really fine, I-”

        “You’ve fallen asleep twice, and you’ve been here all night.” the nurse says, pushing Phil towards the door, “Here, leave your number with me, and call if, I’ll call if anything happens.”

        “O-okay,” Phil says, taking the offered phone and typing his number as he hides another yawn, “Thank you.”

 

_He convinced himself that maybe the move would help. Maybe it would change things, he wouldn’t have to keep watch over Dan, practically forcing food into him and barely sleeping and only then in the hallway outside of Dan’s room, curled up in his comforter, waiting for any sign of life from inside._

_But it didn’t._

_Everything got worse and worse. The only actual conversation they had, other than the constant back and forth struggle of making Dan eat and shower and do anything but lie on the floor and make self deprecating comments every few hours, were when they were filming or arguing._

_They were falling apart, and there was nothing to be done._

        It feels like barely five minutes after Phil finally falls asleep his phone is ringing obnoxiously in his ear.

        “Phil Lester,” he mumbles in greeting, trying to wake himself up to a point of coherence.

        “Hey, uh, it’s me, Matt, I’m that nurse? Uh, I think you should come back, there's a lot of commotion near your friends roo-” before the nurse, Matt, even finishes his sentence Phil is out of the room and running across the street, leaving his room unlocked and barely remembering to go back for shoes.

_After that, it started to get better. Dan was delicate and Phil understood that. They slowly fell back together, and even the phandom started to notice. 2014 had to be the best year for them since the very begining. Hiding their relationship became harder and harder as they fell more and more in love. All of their friends noticed, as did their fans. But it hardly mattered any more, because Dan’s smile was real, and sometimes when Phil leaned over to kiss him, it wouldn’t last, because he couldn’t keep his smile off his face. Christmas and New Years were amazing, they kissed at midnight, holding eachother and wondering where the next year would take them_

        “Where is he? Dan Howell? What-”

_At first it was a dream come true. Japan, the book, everything. But in August, something happened, Phil was away and Dan was alone. He nevet quite figured out what, but it chamged everthing, but not the way Phil had been hoping for every day through the last four years._

****  


[Phil] “Hi guys, long time since a video has been posted here, I guess. You’ve probably noticed me, us, not tweeting, but I-we’ve been, we’ve been busy.”

[Phil] “I need to tell you guys something, and I’ve been avoiding it. But I can’t do that forever.”

[Phil, stops, takes shaky breath]

[Phil] “Dan, Dan is, Dan is gone.”

[Phil] “I, he, we buried him two months ago today.”

[Phil] “So I thought I’d post the last video we worked on together”

[screen goes to black, then it’s a shot from PINOF 1, D&P kissing, cuts to different shots of the two, each kisses, declarations of love, small moments]

[Phil] “After today, I’m leaving these channels. I don’t want to do this without him]

[Fades to a still of the two kissing on the top of Fiji]


End file.
